The USS Blowdryer
by Verpoort
Summary: Picard gets command of a new ship after ramming the Enterprise into the Scimitar. First mission: To find himself a woman!Set after StarTrek: Nemesis.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Welcome to my very first parody. The idea actually popped into my head when I was working on my Voyager-fiction, and I just wrote it down. I have no idea how long it's going to last. But anyway, R&R, let me know what you think.

Disclaimer: I do not own StarTrek, Paramount does. And Paramount better make a sequel to Nemesis soon (hopefully with the Voyager-crew... one can dream!)

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**The USS Blowdryer**

'Captain's log, stardate: 1234.5.  
After crashing the Enterprise, once again, Starfleet gave me command of another ship, an experimental Swarzeneggar-class which apparently takes a helluva lot to destroy.  
I wonder if I should consider that a challenge… Just wait until the next Reman warship comes across my path…  
The crew finds the name of the ship, the USS Blowdryer, particularly ironic for some reason, though I fail to grasp the comedy of it… Anyway, today I'm expecting a visit from Admiral Janeway in honour of the first flight of this new ship.  
How did she get promoted before me anyway? All she did was take a joyride across the Delta Quadrant. I could do that.  
Bureaucratic bastards…'

'Captain, this is Ensign Doe from transporter-room one…' the comm. suddenly sounded.  
'What? Ensign, I told you not to call me on this line!'  
'Ehm… yeah. Sorry Captain, but Admiral Janeway has just arrived. She's en route to your office.'  
_Damn that woman… _Picard thought.  
'Yes, _fine_ Ensign… Next time warn me in advance will you! Picard out.'  
At that time Picard's office-doors swooshed open and Admiral Janeway entered.  
'Hello Captain.' She said.  
'Ah, Admiral, welcome, welcome. Take a seat. Something to drink?'  
'Yeah, sure. I'll have whatever you're having.' She said.  
Picard turned to his replicator.  
'Tea, Earl Grey, hot!' He said.  
'Whoa, wait a minute Picard. Earl Grey? Scratch that, I'll have a coffee, thank you very much.' Janeway said.  
'And a coffee…' Picard added grumbling.  
Picard turned again to catch Janeway staring at him in thought.  
'There's something I never understood about you, Picard…' She said.  
'Yes?' Picard said when he'd set a mug of coffee in front of Janeway, and brought his own teacup to his mouth, lifting his pinkie-finger.  
'You're supposed to be _French_, aren't you?' Janeway asked.  
'I am French.' Picard said, pointing to a picture on his desk, of his parents on their vineyard back on earth.  
'Then what's with that nancy-British accent?' Janeway asked and sipped from her mug.  
Picard almost splashed out his sip of tea.  
'What are you talking about, British accent? I am one hundred percent French, thank you very much, g'vner! I'll bet my bowler-hat!  
No, we used to have a milkman back in France… now _he_ had a British accent. My mother used to invite him before I was born. She continued to do so when I was still a little boy. He had the same beverage every day… Earl Gray-tea, hot… And he always tucked his shirt down whenever he stood up…Hey, wait a minute!' Picard said, falling silent in realisation, and staring at the wall in shock.  
'Euh, yeah, anyway…' Janeway said as she stood up.  
'Good luck with the first flight Jean-Luc.'  
'Yes… thank you Admiral…' Picard said, still somewhat absent-minded.  
'Wait, won't you stay for the flight?' he asked  
'No, Picard. I have pressingmatters to attend to. My nail polish isn't going to apply itself.'  
'But what about dinner? Fish and Chips?'  
'I'll take a rain check' Janeway said.  
'Well… alright… but If you're ever in need of a Blowdryer, just give us a call.' He said  
Janeway looked around, narrowing her eyes.  
'Are you trying to be _smart_ with me, _Captain_!' She said as she shook her luxurious head of hear.  
'No, not at all, Admiral. What do you mean?' Picard asked.  
'Never mind,' Janeway said, blaming it on his jealousy.  
'Good day, Admiral!' He shouted after her, thinking it never hurt to suck up to the brass.

After Janeway was gone, Picard stood up, tucked down his jacket, and went to the bridge.  
'Nr 1!' He called as he walked to his seat.  
'Yes sir!' Commander Madden responded.  
'Who the hell are you?' Picard said.  
'Well I'm… I'm your first officer, sir. Commander Madden.' Madden said.  
'No you are not. My nr 1 has a beard! Bring me him this instant!' Picard said.  
'Sir? If you're referring to Commander Riker, he's no longer your first officer. He's Captain of the Titan sir.'  
'Is he now…' Picard said.  
'Damn him. He isn't Captain of the Titan until I say he is! We will go get him!' Picard said as he sat down.  
'Ensign,' He said to the conn.  
Set course for the USS Titan. Full warp. Engage!' He did the pointy thing with his hand.  
'Ehm, sir?' the Ensign said nervously.  
'Make it so!' Picard said.  
'Well, alright…' The Ensign said.  
'Setting course… Warp 9, sir.'  
'Good.' Picard said.

They quickly left the system, en route to the USS Titan…


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Second chapter... Had some problems with uploading before, for whatever reason, so it took somewhat longer... But anyway, here it is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Picard, Riker, Madden or the Titan. I do own the Blowdryer and Crewman/Ensign/Lieutenant Doe.

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Chapter Two... or something

**- USS Titan:**

'Captain's log, stardate: 9021.0.  
I just had breakfast. A delightful croissant, richly smeared with butter and strawberry-jam.  
A boiled egg and good cup of coffee finished it off.  
Yes, it was very wonderful.  
Deanna was insatiable last night. She kept going, and going, until I thought she could go no more. But I was mistaken.  
Lieutenant Doe gave me an odd look on the bridge this morning. His quarters are right next to ours…  
I should've soundproofed the room last night. And this morning.'

Suddenly, the comm. interrupted Will Riker's chain of thought.

'Captain, there is a ship heading straight for us!'  
'Is it the Romulans?' Riker stood immediately.  
'No, sir.'  
'The Cardassians?' he clenched his fist.  
'No, sir.'  
'The… Borg?' He raised his hands in despair.  
'No, sir.'  
'Well then speak, man, who the hell is it!'  
'Wait, the ship's hailing us! It's… It's… It's Captain Picard, sir!'  
'My God!' Riker said as he pulled out chunks of his beard.  
'Worse then I expected! I thought I was rid of the old goat! Battlestations!'

At once, the 'Red Alert' lights flared on.

Riker quickly made it to the bridge. His wife, Deanna Troi was already there, lying on a sofa (which was placed there on her demand) on her side, eating grapes.

'What is the matter, my lover?' She asked.  
'Not now, Deanna!' Riker said as he took place in his Captain's chair.  
'Ensign! On screen!'

The screen turned on, and they saw Picard. Sitting on the bridge of the USS Blowdryer, sipping a cup of tea while lifting his pinkie-finger.

'Nr 1! What the devil are you doing there! Return to the Blowdryer at once!' Picard said.

Riker looked puzzled for a moment.

'Ehm, Jean-Luc? I am a Captain now. Remember? Captain. I have my own ship…' He spread his arms to signify,  
'… and my own crew now. I do not take orders from you, anymore.'  
'What!' Picard spat out his tea, hitting Crewman Doe in his eye.

The Crewman fell down and rolled around yelling: 'It burns, it burns! Oh for the love of God, it burns!'

'The insubordination! I shall not tolerate mutiny, Riker! I will take you out of my will!' Picard said, ignoring Doe.  
'What? You go ahead, old man!' Riker said.  
'You have nothing to leave behind! An old moldy vineyard and a box of black-and-white photos? Besides, you won't take me out of your will, you have no one else to leave anything to!'  
'That's…' Picard began, but he fell silent.  
'Damn you're right. Will, help me. Help me find a woman, so I can produce an heir and cut you out of my will!'

Riker thought about it for a minute.  
On the one hand he really didn't want to spend any more time with Jean-Luc Picard. On the other hand…

'You? Produce an heir? With a woman? This I got to see… Sure, Picard, I shall help you find a woman!' He said.

**- USS Blowdryer:**

'Good, Riker, thank you. I knew I could count on you!' Picard said.

He turned to Commander Madden.

'Now you see? _That's_ the way a good Nr 1 should behave. Not opposing, but _supporting_.'  
'But Riker's _not_ your Nr 1 anymore!' Madden said desperately.  
'There you go contradicting me again, Madden!' Picard said.  
'But you are wrong! William Riker shall _always_ be my Nr 1! Right, Will?' He asked to the view-screen.  
'Uhm… right., whatever.' Riker said, uncomfortably.  
'Say... what's with that shoe-box of a ship anyway, Jean-Luc?' He asked.  
'Uhm... I don't want to talk about it right now, Will. Let's focus on the matter at hand, will you? Let's find me a woman!' Picard responded  
'Alright... Ensign, match course with the... Blowdryer.' Riker said, raising an eyebrow.

Picard stood up and tucked down his jacket.

'Lieutenant... Engage!' He pointed to the viewscreen.  
'Sir? You haven't given us a course yet...'  
'Well bloody make one up! You haven't gone through four years of Starfleet training to sit their and press buttons like the next Bolian space-monkey! Make it so! I'll be in my ready room!' He said, and with that, he walked off.

Together the two ships departed, in search for a woman for Picard…


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Thanks for all the kind reviews everyone! Keep them coming! I'll try and update sooner next time...

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own, except for the Blowdryer and Doe.

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...Chapter Three...

**- USS Blowdryer**:

'Captain's Log, Stardate: 3.1415  
I'm currently walking into Beverly's sickbay. Yes, the doors are now swooshing closed behind me.  
Hey, crewman Doe is lying on a bio-bed. Let's see… He's complaining about getting hot liquid in his eye. My God. How did he manage that? I have to talk to Starfleet about them sending me all these incompetent people… Hm, he's looking strangely at me now… As if he could hear my every thought… He's looking even more strangely at me… Might I have a bugger in my nose? I shall attempt to pick it subtly…'

'Jean-Luc, what are you doing? Why are you talking to yourself? And _what_ are you doing with your nose?' Beverly Crusher added disgustedly.  
'Well, Beverly…' Picard said.  
'My finger appeares to be stuck up there… Uhm, this was not planned…'  
'Let me see if I can fix it…' Crusher said impatiently, murmering to herself: '_Every week…_'  
'Alright, nurse, take the Captain's head, please?' She said.  
'So, Jean-Luc, what brings you here?' She asked as she pulled on his finger with all her might.  
'Well, Beverly,' Picard said uncomfortably as the nurse was pulling his head backwards by his nostrils,  
'I came to talk to you about my current mission… You are aware of my quest for a new wife?'  
'Yeah, so?' Crusher asked as she pulled even harder, turning red in her face.  
'Well, I had to make sure you had no objections…'  
Crusher took her hands of Picard's finger and motioned the nurse away.  
'It's no use, Jean-Luc, you'll just have to wait 'till it pops out on its own. Why would I have objections?'  
'Well, you know…' Picard said.  
'Our history together…'  
'History?' Crusher laughed.  
'Jean-Luc, that was three years ago! It was during the Christmas celebration. You were drunk, I was drunk… So I patted you on your head. That's it. Nothing happened.'  
'That's not how I recall it, Beverly!' Picard said.  
'There was definite skin-contact!'  
'Of course there was, you are bald, Jean-Luc!' Crusher replied.  
'You rubbed, Beverly. You rubbed my head. You stroke me. You caressed me. You…'  
'Alright, alright, I admit. There may have been some rubbing involved.' Beverly said as the nurse was starting to shoot them strange looks.  
'And that meant nothing to you?' Picard said, hurt.  
Crusher's expression softened, and she got closer to Picard.  
'Of course it meant something to me, Jean-Luc, of course. How could it not! But it would never work out, Jean-Luc, you're the Captain… I'm the ship's Chief Medical Officer… It's doomed! Doomed, I tell you!'  
Picard took her hand and placed it on his heart.  
He was just about to say something when Ensign Doe called over the comm:

'Captain, the Titan has come to a full stop!'  
Annoyed by the interruption, Picard answered:  
'So?'  
'Sir, if we don't drop out of warp, we'll shoot right past them!'  
'Well then, drop out of warp! Make it so! Chop chop!' Picard said.  
_Incompetent bastards…_ He thought.  
'Sir, I don't have the clearance to drop the ship out of warp!'  
'Well find someone who bloody does!' Picard yelled.  
'Are you the only bleeding one on the bridge?'  
'Yes, sir.' Doe replied.  
'Everyone else has gone to watch reruns of _Alf_.'  
'Computer… Drop out of warp.' Picard sighed.  
The ship dropped out of warp, just before it would pass the Titan.  
'Blowdryer, this is the Titan.' Riker's voice came over the comm.  
'What the hell happened? You nearly flew past us! We'd be more than 5 kilometers apart, you know that would disrupt the space-time-continuum!'  
'Yes Riker I know. Concentrate on finding me a girl, will you?' Picard said.  
'No problem. We'll have a meeting in one hour. Your ship or mine?'  
'I don't care, flip a coin.'  
They heard a coin flip.  
'It's heads.'  
Silence. Then Crusher asked:  
'Which ship was heads?'  
Silence.  
'Ok, mine is heads, yours is tails.' Riker said.  
They heard another coin flip.  
'Alright, Picard, We'll meet on your ship in one hour. Riker out.'


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Don't own, except Blowdryer and Doe...

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...Chapter Four...

**- USS Blowdryer:**

'Captain's Log, Stardate: 555-9277  
Unfortunately, doctor Crusher hasn't managed to get my finger out of my nose just yet.  
I'm having the meeting with Will right about now. For some reason the Senior Officers insisted on being there also. I'm hoping he is thinking about a suitable woman for me… Ah, I'm walking into the conference room right now.'

BAF

'Strange. The doors didn't swoosh open as they usually do. I have to talk to Geordi about that…'

"Swoosh"  
'Someone knocked? Oh it's you, Captain.'

William T. Riker, Captain of the USS Titian, stood in the doorway.

'What are you doing on the floor? You don't know where it's been!  
My God! Why do you have your finger up your nose? You… don't know… where it has been…'  
'No time to explain, Will.' Picard said as he tried to get up with only one free hand.

Riker let him struggle for a while, but finally assisted in getting him up.

'Ah, thank you Riker. Shall we proceed with the meeting?'  
'Of course, Picard, everyone's already waiting.'

They entered the conference room where the Senior Officers of the Blowdryer already sat.  
A special couch had been brought in, and on it was Deanna Troi-Riker, lying on her side eating grapes.

'Ah, Deanna. Good to see you again. Will hasn't been spoiling you, has he?' Picard said.  
'Captain!' Deanna almost choked on her grape.  
'Your nose!'  
'What? What's the matter with my nose? Good lord, woman, speak!'  
'Nothing… It's just getting a little purple-ish…' Deanna said.  
'Ah. Well, I fear my collision with the door jammed my finger further in. It is quite uncomfortable indeed. Bit painful.  
Anyway, speaking of the doors, Geordi…' Picard said.  
'I'll get right on it, Captain!' La Forge said, however he did not rise from his seat, or even move.  
'Good. Alright then. Shall we focus our attention on finding me a girl, then?' Picard said as he sat down.  
'Will, what do you have in mind?'  
'Ah, pay attention, Captain.' Riker said as he came forward.

He took position next to a view-screen and tapped a button.  
A video began playing, with its main feature being barely-clothed women from various planets.

'What do you prefer Jean-Luc? The _classic_ Orion-slave girl?' Riker asked, as dancing green-skinned women appeared on the screen.  
'Sensual Trill-women, perhaps?' He continued as the Trill on the screen caressed their spots in a seductive manner.  
'Or the popular Risian triplet?' Riker suggested as three identical beautiful women appeared on screen, blowing kisses at the viewer.  
'And if that's not to your liking, we could always swing by Ferenginar…' Riker said, somewhat disgusted, as a naked Ferengi-woman took the place of the Risian triplet…  
'No, nooooo, shut off the view-screen, Nr 1!' Picard said, his eyes closed in horror.  
'Hey, he's not your Nr 1, I am!' Commander Madden said.

Picard shot him a dirty look, which looked quite comical with his finger stuck up his nose, but did not comment.

'We should go to Risa, Captain!' Geordi said.  
'Have you seen the women? They're so fine! With their big bouncy… well you know. And those succulent juicy… well, you get my drift. Please Captain, can we go? Can we go, can we go, can we go?'  
'La Forge, you need to get away from the dilithium crystals…' Riker said, eying him strangely.  
'Shut up, Nr 1…' Picard said thoughtfully  
'I'm thinking… I'm thinking I agree with Geordi.'

He tapped his comm-badge.

'Bridge!'  
'Yes Captain?'  
'Set a course for Risa!'  
'Uhm… I'd love to, but can't, Captain.'  
'What? Who the hell is this?'  
'Ensign Doe, Captain.'  
'You again? Don't tell me everyone's off to watch _Alf_ !'  
'No, they're all here, sir, but they _hmf_! _Hmm, hmmfmm_!'  
'What? What was that? Doe? Doe, respond!'

Silence.

'Oh the hell with it!' Picard said.  
'Come, we're going to the bridge!'  
'Uhm, is it ok if I return to my own ship?' Riker said.  
'What? Of course not! Bore someone else with your stupid questions, and follow me!  
No! Not you, Madden! You stay behind and… I don't know, pleasure Deanna Troi or something. The rest, come with me!'

BAF!

'Aaw, Goddamn… Geordi! Fix those doors!'

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A/N: Review!


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I know, it has been too long. So let's not make excuses and get on with it, shall we?

Disclaimer: You know this stuff by now...

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...Chapter Five...

**- USS Blowdryer:**

'Captain's Log, Suplemental.  
We are currently heading for the bridge. I find that turbolifts are quite narrow when you're in them with all Senior Officers. Something has to be done about that. I'll get Geordi on it, right after he's done fixing the doors of the conference room…  
Ah, the lift is slowing. The doors are opening. The doors should really open more quickly. By God, they're slow. I'll add it to Geordi's list. The suspense is killing me.  
Ah, they're open. Let's see what all the fuss is about…'

They entered the bridge and found chaos.

'My God!' Picard said.  
'Anarchy! Complete and utter anarchy!'

The bridge-crew had decided to put their reruns of _Alf_ on the view-screen.  
But currently, they were engaged in a popcorn-fight.  
Ensign Doe had been tied to a chair with a piece of cloth in his mouth.

'My God!' Riker now said.

He moved to Ensign Doe and untied him.

'Thank you, Captain Riker.' The Ensign said.  
'Jean-Luc, keep your crew in check, will you?' Riker said to the Captain.

But Captain Picard was sitting in his chair, watching the view-screen.

'Haha, that Willy!' He said, slapping his leg in laughter.

Riker shook his head.

'Alright people.' He said in his most authorizing voice.  
'Settle down, settle down! Have you forgotten your mission? Shame, shame on you!  
Lieutenant! Set a course for Risa!'  
'But… but _Alf_…'  
'NOW, Lieutenant!'  
'Y-yes sir!'  
'Now then.' Riker said, tucking down his jacket.  
'This is how you run things, Jean-Luc. Iron fist!'  
'Impressive, Will.' Picard said.  
'Take a seat. I wouldn't have sought it after you. You there, Crewman! Go fetch me a tea. Earl Grey. Hot.  
And get Captain Riker some as well!'  
'Euh, I'll take coffee, thanks.' Riker said quickly.

Then, Commander Madden stepped out the turbolift.

'God that woman is insatiable…' He murmured to himself.

Then he saw Riker sitting next to the Captain.

'Hey! Get out of my chair!' He said, walking over to Riker.  
'Would you mind, _Commander_, but Nr 1 and I are having a conversation.' Picard said.  
'Oh shut your pie-hole, old man. And take that finger out of your nose, it looks ridiculous! And for the last time, I AM YOUR NR 1!'  
'You are mistaken, Madden.' Riker said.  
'You are not a Nr 1, unless you have earned it.'  
'What?' Madden spat.  
'Look man, I never took such crap from Bree, so I'm not going to take it from you! Let's take this outside!'  
'You will do no such thing!' Picard said, receiving his tea from Crewman Doe.  
'No? Then we'll do it here! Out of my chair, _Captain_!' Madden said, pulling Riker up from his beard.  
'Noooo, my mojo!' Riker yelled.  
'That seat is mine!' Madden said.  
'The hell it is!'

Riker took a swing at Madden, but hit Picard instead.  
Picard was knocked to the ground, his finger finally released from his nose with a plopping sound, and his tea flew through the air, hitting Crewman Doe in the eye.

'My eye! Not again! Oh it burns, it buhuhurns!' Doe cried out.

Madden, in the meantime, took the opportunity to sucker-punch Riker in the stomach.

'Oh, the satisfaction!' He yelled as Riker fell to the floor.  
'Now who's Nr 1, Picard!' Madden said.  
'Riker is.' Picard said calmly.  
'What? No! How can you say that, you senile demented overrated excuse for a Frenchman!'  
'Simple. He got my finger to pop out of my nose.'  
'Noooooo!' Madden screamed, going mental.  
'I can't believe it! This is unreal! This isn't happening! I'm losing it! I've already lost it! Where is it! Where the hell has it gone! Papa can you hear me…'

He ran to the turbolift and disappeared from the bridge...

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A/N: So what should I do? Should I kill Madden off? Or shouldn't I? Keep reviewing, people!


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Sorry for the long, very long wait. I blame it on a combination of writers-block and very little time. However, currently I have time on my hands once more, and I hope I can put some speed behind this story. R&R people.

Disclaimer: Still the same.

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...Chapter Six...

**- USS Titan**

'First Officer's Log, Stardate: 2357.11  
We have followed the Blowdryer into warp, and are now in orbit of the planet Risa.  
I wish someone would have told me we were going here, I would have brought my new Hawaii-shirt.  
Meanwhile, the Captain and counsellor aren't back yet, and I'm not sure if I can control the crew much longer. Somehow, the rebellious idea of viewing reruns of _Alf_ has spread across the ship.  
I'll take Lieutenant Doe of Security, and investigate…'

'Ensign, you have the bridge. Lieutenant Doe, you're with me.'

'_Thank you_, sir! I wasn't expecting such faith in me already…' The Ensign exclaimed, immediately throwing himself towards the Captain's chair.

'Me neither, Ensign. But unfortunately there isn't anyone else available.'

The Commander took Lieutenant Doe with him in the turbolift.

'Deck 5. Lieutenant, we have to…'  
'I know, investigate the spreading idea of watching reruns of Alf. I was with you when you made the log, you know.'  
'Right. Well… Good. Then, start to investigate. I'll be in the mess-hall enjoying a nice lunch.'  
'What do you mean? Aren't you investigating with me?'  
'Uh, yes, that's what I meant. I'll _investigate_ the mess-hall. See if they put anything in the food…  
Report back to me if you find something.'

**- USS Blowdryer**

'Nr 1, you're with me. Take Deanna too.' Captain Picard strode to the turbolift, tossing his empty tea-cup in a corner.  
'Seriously, I don't need instruction on when to _take_ my wife, Jean-Luc.'

Picard shot him a look.

'Get your oversexed mind out of the gutter, Captain. You are beginning to sound like Geordi. I meant for her to accompany us.'  
'Ah. Where are we going?'  
'To the surface, Will. I'm leading the away-team on the search for my woman!'

Riker followed him into the turbolift.

'What, no comment on that I shouldn't lead an away-team myself?' Picard said as the turbolift shot down.  
'No, Picard, I'm not your first officer anymore. It's no longer my duty to care whether you die or not.'

They met with Troi on deck 11. Her hair was messed up, her lipstick smudged, and her uniform unevenly buttoned. And she was showing a cleavage which was way past the border of insubordination.

'Where are we going?' She asked sensually, as she joined the two men inside the turbolift.  
'The launch-bay. This Swarzeneggar-class vessel comes with its own Captain's Yacht, named the _Hummer_.' Picard answered.  
'The Hummer? Why aren't we just beaming over?' Riker wondered.  
'Because, Nr 1, the first thing to impress a girl… is an entrance in style…'

**- USS Titan**

'Commander, Commander!' Lieutenant Doe came barging in the mess-hall  
'What is it, Doe?' the Commander asked, swallowing a bite of chocolate-cake.  
'I've found… hey, wait a minute. Is that the counsellor's cake? Oh man, you are going to be in so much trouble. You _do_ realise she's married to the Captain, don't you?'  
'Uuhhh… I was merely testing it for _Alf_-inducing agents. It seems fine. What have you found, Lieutenant?' the Commander diverted the subject.  
'Oh right. According to the ship's logs after some backtracking through the inertial-RAM-processors, and the Pentium-flux-calibrators, a virus has been uploaded, originating from the USS Blowdryer. That seems to be causing the _Alf_-related problems.'  
'A virus…' the Commander contemplated.  
'Are you saying that the Blowdryer intentionally infected us?'  
'No sir, that's the interesting part. The virus was uploaded from our very own bridge!'

The Commander's eyes went big.

'My God! We have an _Alf_-loving terrorist on board! Follow me to the bridge, Lieutenant! Show me the station where the virus was uploaded. Quickly!'


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hey guys, thanks for the reviews. And thanks for sticking to the story, it's been a while I know. But I just really felt stuck with it, and I desperately wanted it to continue. Finally some stroke of genius hit me, and I was able to finish the story!  
So how do you feel about that. Over the next couple of days, I think, perhaps a week, I will post the final pieces (like this one), and it will be known if and how Picard finally gets his lass.  
So, read, enjoy, and please do review. Thanks!

Disclaimer: Even though it's been a wile, there has been no shift in ownership towards me. In other words, I don't own.

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...Chapter Seven...

**- USS Titan**

'Here it is, Commander!'

Lieutenant Doe and the Commander exited the turbolift, and now stood in front of an abandoned station.

'Damn. The guy who normally operates this station is gone.' Doe added.  
'Who is he, Doe? Who normally operates this station?' The Commander inquired.  
'That's the thing sir, no one knows who he is. He is a strange shady fellow. He doesn't speak. He doesn't sleep. He doesn't eat or drink. Very weird.'

The Commander raised his brow, and addressed the Ensign on Ops.

'You, Ensign, where's this guy who normally operates this station?'  
'Uhm… He went to lunch.'

Quickly, the Commander eyed Lieutenant Doe.

'Alright… So he does eat and drink. But he's a shady fellow nonetheless!'  
'I agree, Doe. This goes beyond anything you or I can handle. We'll have to wait until Captain Riker returns. Meanwhile, keep it on the low-down, Lieutenant...'

**- Hummer**

'So now I know why they call it a _hummer_…' Troi said, referring to the low pitched zooming the craft produced.  
'You know… It kinda turns me on…' She whispered in Rikers ear, loud enough for Picard to notice.  
'Yes, but what doesn't?' Picard mentioned casually.  
'True.' Deanna agreed.

'We are entering Risa's atmosphere. Keep her steady, Picard.' Riker said.  
'No problem, Nr 1! Let me show you the way to make an entrance!'

Picard skilfully steered the vessel downwards, gliding over the planets surface, coming to a halt in a crowded area, hovering 2 meters above the ground.  
Picard watched gleefully as the crowd gathered around his robust, state-of-the-art, brandnew Captain's Yacht.

'And as the _grande finale_…' He said to Riker as he pressed a button.

Immediately, the engines shut down, and the vehicle crashed abruptly to the ground.

'Jeezus, Jean-Luc. Where did you get your pilots-licence? Complimentary with a value-pack of detergent?' Riker exclaimed.  
'What pilots-licence? I am the Captain of a Starship, I don't _need_ a pilots-licence. I'm free to mess about as much as I please.'

They gathered themselves, and opened the door to greet the shocked and apprehensive crowd.

'Yes, sorry 'bout that, my bad, my bad…' Picard said as he exited the craft.

Suddenly, Deanna spat on his head and rubbed over it with her sleeve.

'What the hell are you doing?!' Picard yelled bewildered.  
'What? You are here to impress a girl, aren't you? Let it shine, Jean-Luc, let it shine. You might as well try to take some advantage out of it.'  
'Ah, right, counsellor. Thank you.'

Picard took a few steps forward and faced the crowd of curious Risans.

'Here me, people of Risa! It is I, Captain Jean-Luc Picard, of the Federation Starship Blowdryer! I have come to your luscious planet in search of a wife! Now, are there any volunteers…'

The crowd fell silent and looked at Picard sheepishly.

'Well… Not all at once…' Riker said.  
'Alright, Riker. Considering the overwhelming response, I believe it's pick and choose. That one, in the red bikini with the voluptuous curves. I'd like her Will.'

Riker now also looked at Picard sheepishly.

'Well go on, go get her!'  
'You can't just choose and take someone to be your wife, Picard. That's considered _abduction_ on some planets.'  
'Yes, and _culture_ on other planets. Go on Will, don't be a sour-puss.'  
'Forget it Picard, I am not abducting that beautiful woman in the red bikini with the curves… Hey wait a minute. That's _Deanna_!'  
'Good, than it's settled. I'll take Counsellor Troi to be my wife.'  
'When hell freezes over. And even then, NO.' Riker said.

Picard didn't pay attention to him and began to stare at Deanna.

'Good God, what a woman… I wonder how she got changed into that bikini so fast. That… slightly small bikini… with her natural bosom bulging out…' He sighed.  
'Take a picture Picard, it'll last longer.'  
'I have a better idea yet, Will. What about downloading her features into the Blowdryer's databanks, so a holographic duplicate could be made. That way, we could both have her.'  
'One word, Jean-Luc. Ieuw.'  
'But I want her Will. I want her!'  
'No, Picard, she's mine! Down boy!'

Suddenly, the comm. crackled.

'Ah, sir, this is Commander Doe from the Titan…'

Riker tapped his comm.badge.

'This is Riker.'  
'Sir, your presence is needed on board. We have a… situation. Oh, and someone ate Counsellor Troi's chocolate-cake.'

Suddenly, a loud, stretched 'Nooooooooo' emitted from the woman in the red bikini distracted the two Captains.

Riker returned his attention to his comm.badge.

'Acknowledged Commander. We'll be on our way.'


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Enjoy, people.

Disclaimer: Yadda yadda... Don't own... yadda yadda...

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...Chapter Eight...

**- USS Titan**

'Shut your wining Jean-Luc!'  
'But Will, we just left without getting me a woman!'  
'There wasn't exactly a whole lotta choice, was there?'  
'Well, you could have…'  
'NO. You are not getting Deanna! Period!'  
'But I hear she's insatiable!'  
'Well, you're old body couldn't please her if I let you, so just forget about it!'

The three of them walked through the hallway.

'What are we doing on your ship anyway, Riker?'  
'Didn't you hear, I have an emergency!'  
'Bullocks! We have emergencies every week! There's not even a Red Alert!'  
'No, as I understand, they're keeping it on the down-low... or low-down... or whatever.'

They entered the bridge and found the Commander and Lieutenant Doe.

'What is it Commander?' Riker asked.  
'Captain! Keep your voice down! I've called you because of this shady fellow over there! We have evidence that suggests him spreading the _Alf_-virus that originated from the Blowdryer.'

Meanwhile, Deanna was clasping Lieutenant Doe.

'My CAKE! Where's my CHOCOLATE-CAKE?'

Lieutenant Doe and the Commander quickly exchanged glances.

'Euh… I don't now ma'am. In addition to the shady fellow, we seem to have a chocolate-cake-thief aboard!'

Riker turned to Picard.

'Jean-Luc, you have much more experience as a Captain. What would you do?'  
'Well Nr 1. Naturally it is imperative that you locate this chocolate-cake-thief before anyone else gets hurt!'  
'Uhm, yes… Naturally. But I am more interested in the shady fellow standing by that console.'

All eyes turned to the shady fellow by the console.  
He was recognizable by the shady brown cloak and hood he had donned.

'Uhm yes, that is a problem indeed. But as always, I have the solution, Nr 1!'

Picard walked over to the fellow in the coak and hood and pointed an accusatory finger in his direction.

'You there, shady fellow! Explain yourself! Why have you spread the dreaded _Alf_-virus across the ship?'

The fellow did not respond, or even give any sign that he had noticed Captain Picard.

'Come on man, speak!' Picard shouted, stamping on the deck.  
'Enough!' Riker called.

He walked over to Picard and the shady fellow, and ripped the hood and cloak off, thus exposing the person underneath.

A loud gasp was clearly heard across the bridge.  
Picard and Riker stepped back, eying the person with big eyes.

'It can't be…' Deanna whispered.  
'You?' Riker asked.  
'Yes. It is I.' The figure spoke.

'Data…' Deanna said softly.  
'Are you… are you a real boy?' Picard asked.  
'What? No! I am the same Data you all know. The same Data that sacrificed his… well my life for all of you!'  
'But how?' Picard asked.  
'How could you have survived the blast?'  
'Simple.' Data said.  
'I am just _that_ good.'

Riker sat down in shock.

'But Why? How? Who? How did you get here?'  
'Well first I had to drift free from the wreckage. Then I found that my ship had already left me to die.'  
'Data I swear. We searched the wreckage for minutes and minutes!' Picard exclaimed.  
'Yeah, yeah, whatever. Years, Captain! For years and years I drifted through time and through space…'  
'Actually, it has only been a few months.' Riker said.  
'Really? Anyway, I drifted through space, and finally met a starship. By unconceivable chance, it turned out to be the Titan. I got aboard, posed as one of the crew using my trusty cloak-and-hood-disguise, and _voila_. Here I am.'

Picard sat down, tears in his eyes.

'Data I… I don't know what to say. This is all too much for me, I... I must take the Hummer and return to my ship. Data… I am sorry.'

He turned around and prepared to step through the doors when Data held him back.

'Wait, Captain. I do not hold a grudge. Seriously, I am a machine. I am simply incapable of holding grudges.'  
'That's… Thank you Data. I am touched.'

Picard now walked through the door.  
Moments later, Riker caught up with him.

'Wait, Jean-Luc. We haven't found you a woman yet.'  
'Oh, Will. Never mind. It was but a dream. A foolish dream.'  
'No, no, Jean-Luc. Don't give up, man! We still have Orion! Trill! Ferenginar, if we must!'

Jean-Luc faced him and held him by the shoulder.

'You are a good friend Will. And a fine Captain. But I'm afraid this voyage is over. I shall discontinue my search for a woman.  
You go and enjoy your life, Will. With your beautiful wife. Unless of course…'  
Riker's face went stern again.  
'NO, Picard…'  
'Then alas, no woman for me. I shall not remove you from my will, Will…' He stopped, and raised an eyebrow in thought.  
'Will, Will...' He muttered.  
'Anyway, best of luck to you. I shall keep you no longer.'

Picard patted the Captain of the Titan on his back a final time, turned around, and headed to the shuttle-bay.  
Will Riker watched him as he left.

A lonely man. A great man. A phoney Frenchman with a British accent.

Captain Jean-Luc Picard.


	9. Epilogue

A/N: Alright, that took a little longer then expected, but I'd like to think that added in the suspense ;-p.  
I think this epilogue takes care of a few lose ends.  
But here you have it folks, The USS Blowdryer completed. Please review, it means the world to me.

Oh, even if it's a year from now and you're thinking; 'Neh, why review, he probably wouldn't care...'  
Yeah, I do. So, just type a little something.  
Thanks!

Disclaimer: For the last time, I do not, I repeat, I do not own Star Trek.

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...EPILOGUE

**- USS Blowdryer**

'Captain's Log, Stardate: 1.2.3 and a half…  
I am sitting in my ready room, enjoying a cup of tea.  
Earl Grey. Hot.  
All is back to normal on board the Blowdryer. The _Alf_-outbreak has been countered by erasing all episodes out of the memory-banks. I have advised Starfleet Headquarters to issue a general order to do the same, in order to prevent this anarchy from ever happening again.  
Data's role in creating the virus was non-existent. Apparently, a freak subspace-distortion had something to do with it.  
I should have known.  
I believe Data used the virus because he sub-consciously wanted to be exposed.  
He himself claims to have: 'simply been bored.' at the time.  
What his future now beholds, no one knows. For now he will continue to serve aboard the Titan.  
Speaking of which; the chocolate-cake-thief is yet to be apprehended.  
I advised Will to take care of the matter as quickly as possible. A chocolate-cake-thief on the loose could pose as a serious threat to the Federation.  
And as for yours truly…  
Yes it is true. I am still woman-less. I know, I know, the babes should have been throwing themselves at me, I agree.  
But as of yet, I remain single. And lonely. And desperate. And seriously, if I don't get some nookie real fast, I _will_ lose my mind.  
Anyway… back to my tea for now…'

Captain Picard sat back and finished his cuppa, when the comm. chimed.

'Captain, Dr Crusher here. I have a medical emergency here in sickbay.'  
'Well surely doctor, you are the physician. How could I be of help?'  
'Really Captain, your presence is required.'  
'Alright, I'll be on my way…'

Sighing, Picard stood up and walked out of his ready-room.

Moments later he entered Sickbay to find it dimly lit.

'Computer, lights.'  
'Computer, delay that order.' A voice behind Picard said.

Surprised, Picard turned around, and found Beverly Crusher standing behind him, wearing nothing but a thin, see-through negligee.

'Doctor? I thought there was a medical emergency?'

Then his eyes fell on the all-revealing negligee she was wearing.

'That's hardly a standard Starfleet uniform, is it Beverly?'  
'Oh Jean-Luc. I have been thinking.'  
'Oh?'  
'Yes. I can't stand to be alone anymore, Jean-Luc. And I don't like the idea of you flirting about with young Risan women. Not one bit.'  
'Beverly? What are you saying?'  
'I'm saying take me, Jean-Luc.'

Crusher pressed herself against her Captain, biting her lip seductively.

'I cannot ignore the chemistry between us any longer, Jean-Luc.' She whispered.  
'Take me, Jean-Luc, give it to me. I want to love you, and be loved by you. Regulations be damned!'  
'Oh, Beverly, yes!' Picard yelled, stripping off his uniform.  
'Oh, Captain, my Captain!' Crusher moaned, pulling Picard onto her.

And so, in a dimly lit sickbay aboard the Swarzeneggar-class USS Blowdryer, finally, finally Picard got his nookie.

**.  
.  
.  
.  
.**

**THE END**


End file.
